It's the Stars that Shine for You...

And it's the stars that lie to you.

I think the worst thing about death, after the shock and the keening have exhausted your body, is that all you're left with are words. From now on you can only use WORDS to outline and colour in a whole person. Describing what they meant to you and to others and the sheer gravity they held in your life.

And never before have words seemed so vulgar, crude and clumsy. The same words we use to tell those that are left that we love them are some how no longer an accurate representation of someone who is not with us anymore. 

And Although I was Losing My Mind

It was a chorus so sublime...

Hey. So I haven't blogged in a while. But I'm pretty certain y'all know I'm alive because, well, if you read this it's because you're my mate, and I'm pretty awesome at the Staying Reasonably in Contact thing.

So, Update:

No where near my dream yet. And by that I mean I have a band without a singer, a singer without a band, a sound engineer, a bar for them to play in and a terribly interesting kid who can play and sing everything. The only thing I'm lacking is the guts to do anything about all these things. But I'm getting there.

I miss my friends, both home, interstate and overseas, but I'm also well and truly settled here and wouldn't dream of moving. I've made new and marvellous friends, engaged in relationships with some limited success depending on your view, and I've learnt and grown do much over the past year that I barely recognise the inside of my own head sometimes. I'm also stronger and faster than I've ever been and really excited to see what my body can do next.

Kind of excited to see what I achieve next anyway.

There Are Twenty Years to Go

A golden age I know.

A friend (that I did not know) of a close friend has chosen to end his own life. I love our mutual friend and so have offered my support. We're talking through her pain and outrage and it's bringing back a lot of old feelings. Ones that are nearly a decade old but none the less still painful. She is sorry that I have ever had to deal with this, but I am thankful that I can at least walk her through it and have an insight to what she's feeling, as much as it breaks my heart.

Tomorrow my friend (another) will give birth to her first born. She's periodically sent me baby bump updates and it's the weirdest thing- I see her belly and I know there is something in there that tomorrow I will love with all my heart. I am both excited and slightly nervous about the procedure.

Is this life now?

I...

Used to adore you.

I always mean to do things on trains. It's a 20 minute ride to and from work, each day. That's a lot of time to catch up on essays. Maybe read the news. I could send all those texts I keep meaning to send, the ones where I tell a friend what I thought upon first viewing their favourite movie. The ones where something funny happened and it made me think of them. The texts saying 'thank you' for walking me through that bad feeling I had the other week. The ones letting them know that even though we haven't talked in ages, I still think of them.

But I don't. I sit down. I hit 'shuffle'. A song comes on and for some reason I *have* to pay attention to it. I have to give it the full dedication it deserves. I have to reprocess each memory and emotion I'd formed for the music, the lyrics. Sometimes I smile, embarrassed at the immature thought processes I once had. At the fantasies I once conjured to get through something: a break up, a fight, boredom, a long run that just wouldn't end. At the memories, silly, sad and loving. I remember driving up the mountain with my best friend. That party where I made a splash and met that guy. That morning with a friend watching Doctor Who. All the same song. So many memories. 

So please know, if life gets in the way. If we move to different places. If you pass. If we fall out. If we fall in or out of love. There is always a song that will remind me of you, that I will give my full attention to.

Happy New Year. 

Breaking My Back Just to Know Your Name

But heaven ain't close in a place like this. 

Writing this because it was amazing and frankly the ending is magnificent and needs to be told.

I was volunteering for a festival, taking details to send out a survey, which is pretty intimidating- walking into a room full of strangers by yourself and making conversation and walking away with emails. It's basically a master class of How to Pick Up. Needless to say I got about 30 contact details (double my target). Anyway, I digress. I was there early, in the band room, and without patrons there I just got all the band members to sign up: enter That Guy. Tall. Broad shouldered. Chatty. Ginger, but that's not the worst thing in the world, and as it turned out, very useful. I make a second round of the room and come back to the main group and there's a bit more chatting before he picks up a guitar and stands in front of a mic. *SWOON* Then, as if my vagina wasn't already activated, at the end of the set it's revealed he's also a FIREMAN. Ugh. 

I left to meet a mate and said bye on the way out. *CUE OPEN PRAYING WE'D MEET AGAIN*

Today, I lamented to a mate of mine that I hadn't seen him since and I clearly needed to get all up on that. I gave her his first name and the name of the artist he was playing with and in under 5 minutes she'd FUCKING FOUND HIM ONLINE. 

Guys. Gingers. They're FUCKING CONNECTED. They can find each other. Ala Vulcans or the Turtles in Rocko's Modern Life. Mind=BLOWN. 

Tidal Waves Don't Beg Forgiveness

Every guy I've dated thus far has enjoyed being with me. They get swept up in my energy and they go along for the ride, much like a ship caught up in a stormy sea. And much like a ship caught in a storm they are weak, and brittle, and eventually the mast is broken and the hull is cracked: the ocean won and the relationship is over.

My idea of romance is to find another sea, someone playful under a wind, violent and dark in a storm and at times eerily calm to roil against for all eternity. I don't care what form that relationship takes, provided they love me in return, provided we are equals.

You Can Never Really See the Top from the Bottom

I don't pay enough attention to the good things when I've got them:

Like my host of amazing friends that I've made up here. Some really quickly like Laura and Candice. Some over time like Chris and Vince. Some older friendships that I renewed like Lana, Ally and Stevie. Some I made randomly that flourished into something else more wonderful. They've all been incredibly wonderful and supportive and I can't fathom the emptiness I would have had to endure had I not met each of them. 

Like the opportunity to work with Triple RRR, Joy, The Human Rights Art and Film Festival, Nite Art, Events Melbourne and Mad Dame. 

Like the opportunity to see some pretty amazing gigs, just because I live *here*. 

So I should probably get over myself. Some things suck right now, like properly, but it's not all bad.