Hey!

Been dyin' to meet you!

I've got the time tattooed on my wrist. It's permanently five minutes to four in my world. I got it to represent my family- my mother and sister- *before* they pass. I'm not ashamed of why I got it. The story behind it is dark and not something a lot of people have had to deal with or want to know- which is something I've learnt. What happened has stopped being a right of passage in my broken little world and started being something that I no longer have to tell people so that they can understand what makes me *me*. I'm a special snow flake like everyone else.

I Was Alone

Falling free, trying my best not to forget.

What happened to us, what happened to me, and our one heroic pledge.

I have depression. It's new, as in just this last year. It's horrible. I've seen a doctor and been prescribed anti depressants. I continue to exercise on a daily basis. I eat well and avoid any kind of binge eating/drinking. I can't sleep.

I faked being happy and sociable all day at work. It left me mentally exhausted and I didn't want to talk to my friends or family at the end of the day. I felt like I couldn't talk to my friends or family about it, and I'd lost that dependence I've always had for myself, that ability to always back myself. I felt like I have no one and its the loneliest place to be.

I don't have a reason for it either. I know why it began. The seeds were planted and for some reason instead of figuring it out and dealing with my feelings I just let it fester and grow. Then life got in the way and things happened, as they are wont to do, and I found I was suddenly unable to deal with my life. Me. ME. I couldn't understand why, after some pretty horrendous experiences, why I could not deal with or work through some really basic problems. I was even able to counsel friends in similar positions but was unable to let go of my own problems.

So I was miserable. I moped. I stayed at home. I stopped playing music. I stopped reading. I stopped studying. I felt like a failure and just stayed in bed. I didn't move. I felt like I couldn't, that my sadness was overwhelming me and I couldn't even lift the blanket that I was under. I prayed for sleep just so I didn't have to feel and when I woke I would stay in bed until my body fell into a deep nothingness for an hour. I'd do that several times until I simply wasn't going to sleep anymore. So I ran. Till I was exhausted. And repeated the process. I hated being awake but I couldn't distract myself for my thoughts. I still can't. But I will, I'm working on it.

I now understand how insurmountable depression is. That it's constant, it's always on and the negativity comes in waves. I think I'm fine and get through most of the day, then all of a sudden a panic attack creeps up on me and I'm miserable for the rest of the day.

I'm better now. I know it's not going to end, but I really wish it would.

She speaks, she breathes.

I wanna be Kate!

I've moved. Quit my job and moved interstate. I live on the couch of a friend who is (and I am ever thankful for) trading house work for my room and board. I am applying for jobs left right and centre. Dream jobs. Less than dream jobs. Jobs I wouldn't really be happy to take but will enthusiastically just for an INCOME. I had such plans for my unemployment. I'd wake. I'd run. I'd have a nutritious breakfast. I would split my day into Selection Criteria in the mornings and basic applications in the afternoons. Instead I've been hit with a heat wave and lowered self esteem at the sheer amount of things I do not have experience in.

My friend put me in touch with her Industry friend (Industry is used here in place of Dream Job) who pointed me in the right direction and like a Red Setter I was OFF and applying! BANG! ... Except that I stuffed up my log in for one of the sites and now I can't view all that tantalising 'New Jobs' and 'Volunteer Opportunities' information. However she did give me some other tips and tricks which I shall deploy tomorrow, so that'll be exciting.

I miss my family and friends (old and new) but I've already joined and DnD campaign (and thankfully picked it back up quicker than I thought I would). We played through three encounters including the introduction of my character - an Orc Cleric called Felicia who previously bullied the Dwarf Cleric Zeus whilst in training. They're more encounter based than role play based (in that its not structured, however our jibes are counted as role play, so AWESOME). Our female Dark Elf Sorceress is a bloke called Vince- who it turns out LIFTS BRO so we talked weights and diets and he even knows about slow and fast twitch muscles so woo!  I now have new inspiration for dieting and working out. Even though I can't afford a gym yet.

I've met another bloke who introduced me to a bunch of his friends (who were EVEN COOLER than he was, much to the original guys chagrin) and we caught a gig. Here I am talking about shit and being silly/offensive, dropping the c-bomb and THEN I find out that one of them is a Federal cop. LOL.

I've then gotten lost at least three times and have had a trial by fire on the public transport system. So at least my life is still exciting. Its not the immediate success I was optimistically hoping it would be, but it's not bad.

How'd I Ever End Up Here?

Must be through some lack of kindness.

I've had two Summer Flings in my short existence.

The first was so dismally bad I considered killing myself.

The second has been so wonderfully pleasant that I feel like the last dregs of Broken Kate may have been karmic-ly flushed from my system like some delightful warm brew.

I'd forgotten what Happy-Just-'Cause felt like.

Top Albums

If I'm doing movies I should definitely do albums. All my reasons as personal but it doesn't mean you shouldn't check them out anyway.

Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra: Theatre is Evil.

This formative album came at a formative time for me. The last year has not been hell, but it was unrelentingly bad. I mean the kind of year that starts off poorly, then you see Prince. Then the high wears off and a friend gets into a car accident leaving his partner, toddler and still baking baby alone. Then a close friend decides to tear you a new one for something trivial. Then you do something unknowingly but so reprehensible that the shame doesn't leave you for months but oh, does that anger fester at your fast declining reputation. And all the while, bubbling under every little up and down is a panic attack. Lurking. Waiting for things to get just that little bit worse. Theatre is Evil empathised with all of those emotions (with added bass!) but amongst the darkness is this certain level of hope, either conveyed in the lyrics or the music, that just lifts you up. It made me think of people I hadn't thought of in years, of their actions and mine, and I've got to be honest, it's gotten me over a few hurdles in this short time it's been out.

Stand out tracks: The Killing Type and Grown Man Cry.

HIM: Screamworks: Love in Theory and Practise.

This album for me is a return to happier times. I was a year behind in listening to this one. By the time I'd gotten to it I was running in my lunch breaks, it was summer and the sun was beating down on me as I beat down on the riverside track on the edge of town. It reminds me of summer rain, the positive changes I was making in my life, achieving my goals and a general happiness which for months just stayed with me. I was excited about life. My love of this album is also two fold as I'd just recently discovered my friend Lanny loved HIM too, so I gave her a copy of the album and for weeks we talked about the songs and the film clips. I miss Lanny, but we have phone dates.

Stand out tracks: Foreboding Sense of Impending Happiness and Love the Hardest Way.


Romeo + Juliet

This compilation came out in 1996, but as I was 10 I didn't get onto it until sometime later (I was still in the throes of pop idolisation, a trend my mother sorely misses). Once again, this was a formative album for me. This was my jumping off point into the Alternative Rock genre which I still passionately love today. In one collection we have The Butthole Surfers, Radiohead, Garbage and Everclear. You also have the drama, colour and pace of (what I deem) Baz Luhrman's best film backing up the sour desperation and empty unrelenting anger of the songs. Even just *listening* this soundtrack is made of stunning visuals as you re-imagine Luhrman's Manchua. Des'ree's Kissing You will always make me cry, not shed-a-tear cry but proper sob-openly and wholly. It's crushing and it breaks you.

Stand out tracks: I honestly can't pick just one, like a child I love this album in its entirety for how it makes me feel.


More to come.

Why Don't You Talk To Me?

Why don't you talk to me?

Come say it to my face so we can leave this place. Why don't you talk to me?

So last years resolutions were the standard variations on the old staples: Lose Weight, Run Faster, Save Money. There was also the silent goal to Not Accidentally Kill Myself and the not so silent get everything in order to move to Melbourne. Well, what do you know? I survived my depression (but kept the increasingly awesome Panic Disorder)! I paid off my debts (but have $90 in my savings)! I completed a half marathon (but my sprint remains at a max of 14kmph for short spans)! I achieved my first goal weight (and maintained it for the year- without losing any more)!

I know, lofty heights right? 

This year I've really thought it through: I've got the standard variations of the old staples: Run more half marathons, lay the ground work for a marathon, save to travel and become some kind of bendy yoga goddess. My silent goals are to get my life in some kind of order to have a child in the coming years.

Guys, this might be the year I start to grow up.

I even flossed this evening.

Not Quite a Top Ten List

A friend of mine is watching a Top 100 Movies list, well, working her way through it. She has watched a few movies that she didn't really get, including a few of my favourites, but when asked for my opinion on WHY I liked them I found I couldn't really explain myself.

So anyway, it got me thinking of my favourite movies. Its a working list, obviously I haven't seen the movies that are yet to come out that will probably be up there for me (here's looking at you Looper- time travel AND Joseph Gordon-Levitt grows up to be Bruce Willis- hellooo000OOOOO). A lot of them will probably be very standard, but so what? I'm 25, I can't be expected to have watched everything... YET.

All this without spoilers.

Romantic Comedies: Shut up, everyone watches them. 
Crazy, Stupid, Love: Clever, realistic (to a point) and no happy ending. I like me a romantic comedy that doesn't end the way the formula suggests. Two stand out scenes are the one where Ryan Gosling is seducing Emma Stone in his swanky bachelor pad and the OTHER one where Ryan Gosling and Steve Carrell are beating the shit out of each other when Kevin Bacon rocks up, and even though Ryan is getting the raw end of the deal from Steve, he still attacks Kevin Bacon. Love the solidarity, is what I'm saying. I enjoy a good bromance.

It Happened One Night: Every girl has one oldie timey (wibbly wobbly) movie that they love. Deal with it. Mine is It Happened One Night starring Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert, filmed five years before Gone with the Wind and frankly the better of the two. Peter and Ellie (respectively) play absolute arseholes who band together to get across America so Peter can get his story and Ellie can get away from her father. Stand out scene where Peter tries to hitch hike. Wildly hilarious.

When Harry Met Sally: Nora Ephron is a genius. Also, whether you've got one now or are waiting for the next one to come along, everyone has had that *really* close friend which has danced dangerously close to boyfriend/girlfriend line. I could live for some of those beautifully tense moments some days (read: I miss Jack). Plus, everyone knows Billy Crystal's speech at the end. If you don't cry you probably don't have a soul and/or are a Ginger. I still do the White Man Over Bite whenever I go out. So what I'm saying is the movie is mostly nostalgia.

Friends with Benefits: This is a really good romantic comedy, considering the formulaic bullshit that's been coming out of Hollywood lately. It's quick and witty without being contrived. Also, it's nice to see a movie that doesn't portray sex as being some kind of mystery and that women can have sex too (What's Your Number? Omgods, really? A woman spends the movie defining herself by her sexual partners and Chris Evans ploughs his way through half of New York. No Hollywood, NO). Plus, Justin Timberlake singing Criss Cross is pretty awesome.

Think-y Movies: I'm not bright, I don't pretend to be.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: First of all, when I'm actually down to think, in a proper 'I can concentrate and don't need to think about things people are Pinning' mood, I love something that makes my brain run marathons. If you've got a complicated non linear plot I AM YOUR GIRL. Provided I'm not hung over/tired/agitated. Enter the Spotless Mind. The main story is sweet and sad, the sub story is just sad and you think of the moral implications of the whole thing for days afterwards. I also have a major soft spot of Jim Carrey. He is underrated as an Actor. I don't have a favourite scene, I love the sheer mechanics of putting that story together, and then the ethics it involves. Charlie Kaufman is my idea of genius.

Party Monsters: Made in 2003 but set in the post Warhol New York club scene, it's the true (true-ish) story of Michael Alig who killed his dealer Angel*. Like the above I was thinking about this movie for weeks. I loved the cadence of the language, I loved the colour and the costumes, I loved the humour of these two men who constantly and dangerously have to out do each other. Of course, the film is also meta, as its told by both Michael Alig and James St. James, and then there is the level of horror at what these kids do to each other and themselves. Stand out scene is a rather touching moment between James St. James and Michael dancing in Michael's living room.

*Not a spoiler as it has been documented on talk shows, this movie, a mockumentary and a book.

Womb: This movie is an ethical mind fuck. If you aren't really into it it can be slow, but sit down and watch the whole thing without distractions, because I can't think of a single scene that doesn't build towards the finale. I can't describe it any further, but the very last scene will shock you and have you looking back on all the other scenes in a new light. A new disturbing light.

Musicals: Its not really fun unless you can dance to it.

Interstella 5555: I have no other way of really describing it, so musical it is. I'm also a little bit biased as Daft Punk's Discovery is one of my favourite albums and I've already got so many memories associated with it. What I loved was that there was no talking, at all, through out the entire movie, yet so much meaning and emotion was conveyed CLEARLY. Guys, if you're more or less making a silent movie this is how. I even cried when *redacted because spoiler*.  Basically, a really kick arse alien band are kidnapped by an evil human and a fellow alien follows them to earth where the exact opposite of hilarity/Unrequited love ensues.

It's also nice to have a memory for Digital Love that doesn't involve this guy I used go to Uni with.

Action: I'm sorry in advance for the eventual Bruce Willis-ness.

Men in Black: So I was fairly young when it came out, but Will Smith was a bit of a champion growing up. Plus, this movie has some great one liners, buddy romance and visual gags. I love how Will Smith's initial test to join the MIB was a common sense test, I love Will Smith's opening line "N.Y.P.D. means KNOCK YO PUNKASS DOWN".

That's all I've got for now, because I'm tired and hung over, and thinking about things only made that worse, but I will continue to add to this.