You Can Never Really See the Top from the Bottom

I don't pay enough attention to the good things when I've got them:

Like my host of amazing friends that I've made up here. Some really quickly like Laura and Candice. Some over time like Chris and Vince. Some older friendships that I renewed like Lana, Ally and Stevie. Some I made randomly that flourished into something else more wonderful. They've all been incredibly wonderful and supportive and I can't fathom the emptiness I would have had to endure had I not met each of them. 

Like the opportunity to work with Triple RRR, Joy, The Human Rights Art and Film Festival, Nite Art, Events Melbourne and Mad Dame. 

Like the opportunity to see some pretty amazing gigs, just because I live *here*. 

So I should probably get over myself. Some things suck right now, like properly, but it's not all bad.

Maybe That's Why Books Get Written...

Maybe that's why songs get sung.

I'm not sure, but I think I still believe in soul mates. Which is a weird concept for me, as I thought the notion was thrown out with Relationship Escalators.

Let Me See You Make Decisions

Without Your Television.

I was sitting at a table of friends, one of whom is married, yet I'm the focus of the sex jokes. Primarily that my diet consists of semen.

I spend a large amount of my waking hours with my friends. I am social like that. So to be told that someone feels like they aren't getting enough attention from me actually hurts.

I have a number of friend requests backed up on a social network that I had no idea about until today. I tell a friend who used a similar situation in a joke recently, and suddenly all of these 'friend requests' are actually just people seeking sex from me.

These are my friends.

These are smart and sophisticated men and women who spend half their time in debate about what constitutes fair behaviour between the sexes, consent, and perception. Yet I've had to bite back on validating myself in each situation. They don't need to be told that I only get laid twice a week, no matter how many boys I'm dating. They don't need to be told that I run myself ragged between work and seeing my friends because both these things are more important to me than sleep. They don't need to be told that I have more to offer than just sex, that I seek friendships before I do relationships, and (see above point) I work my arse off to make sure that everyone knows how important to me they are.

There is no point to this post. I'm just angry and sick and tired and I would love to turn to any of them right now but I'm too offended to.

Tear the Petals off of You

Make you tell the truth.

I have a destructive side to my nature. I don't like it. I've never liked it, but it's always been there. It always manifests in the same way: I want to do something dangerous. I want to put myself in harm's way. Or start a fight. Or say or do something truly nasty. I always want to be dangerous.

I don't, though. I go for a run. Or call a friend. Or draft a blog. Or confront the people who have (in their way)  contributed to that emote.

I think this makes me different. I'm aware of my feelings as I feel them. I'm aware that I could very well go ahead and be destructive, but I don't. I don't want to hurt feelings, intentionally or not. I enjoy the level of trust my friends have in me. I love being the person they think of channeling when in a hard situation. I never, EVER want to destroy that.

I Feel Just Like a Local God When I'm With the Boys

We do what we want. Yeah we do what we want.

*spoiler alert* I *might* be a little bit poly. I know. I know. (First Name) Never Back Down from a Challenge (Surname) they call me. I would also like to point out that the below men were only pursued in friendship, and I expect nothing more and want nothing less.

At the moment I'm playing with my feelings the boundaries they create, and I've found myself in a not so unique position. For the sake of context I shall distinguish the two men as 1 and 2.

I met 1 through a friend of a friend who introduced me to more friends. I clearly outlined in the beginning that our relationship would be platonic only. He agreed and we began. He was lovely and gentle and in the throes of physical intimacy we became emotionally intimate. We have always been very open with each other and in the spirit of that he declared his feelings for me. Which is a shame, as I am a very VERY open person and had clearly demonstrated my fascination with my physical attraction to him as he was clearly not my type *headdesk*. That night and the proceeding few after that were terribly awkward.

Then something amazing happened. Just as I was considering shutting it down, he had the epiphany I was praying for when with an ex of mine: his jealousy and the sadness it caused was associated not with the girl he couldn't have, but with the lack of social life and opportunity he felt he had. Then he did something about it. He became social. He put himself out there. He talked to me about his feelings and experiences and then... He became my first best friend up here.

And I think I love him. It's not romantic. Not in the least. It's the same love I have for my dearest friends back home. I feel safe with him. I can trust him. We chat during the week about things we hear and see and do and I look forward to our time together because I have so many things I want to tell him and get his perspective on, or ask him about his experiences that he told me about. It's weird because I've never made a friend with my vagina before, but it's also terribly lovely. Especially considering he can keep pace with me when I run (unless I sprint, which I can do for a kilometre). He makes me feel happy and safe and cared for.

I met 2 through a friend of friend who introduc... Waiiiit. I picked him up (in one of my smoother moments), took him home and fucked him. Then we chatted and in the interest of pursuing an orgasm (something I rarely do on the first night, which is why I don't enjoy one night stands) I secured another meeting with the boy. By a couple of weeks in (because Openness and Consent) I had to declare *my* feelings.

With a twist. I'm sick of serial monogamy. Every relationship I've been in has had an underlying 'is this it?' feeling underneath. I'm not done. I want to have new experiences, and there is every possibility I may not want to stop having those experiences. My idea of long term monogamy has always included sexual experimentation. So, with his consent, I told him I was interested in continuing our existing friendship so that I could play with my feelings and experiment with my boundaries.

Which has been interesting. Especially of late. We talk about our experiences of the week and we share (or I share, and then I'll pick his brain. Seriously, he's done some interesting things. He's just very Don't Kiss and Tell, whereas I'm very Eh, Its a Common Experience), but he'll say something about being sweet on another girl... And I realise he's not sweet on me. Or I'll feel jealousy that he's sleeping with other girls. Or get paranoid that the things he does with me he does with other women. Which is ridiculous. I don't own his body, why get upset when he does something with it? I have a set of moves that I perform that are natural to me, it makes sense he would as well. The hypocrisy to the feelings I'm feeling is... Ludicrous. I don't own him and he doesn't own me, never mind the fact that 1 and I are still seeing each other. Never mind that I am still actively pursuing other relationships.

When I realised I was having the Bad Feels I immediately resolved to cut it off. Then I realised what I was doing. How do I get to Learn and Grow as a person if I baulk at the first Bad Feeling?

Oh, Again I Wait...

For this to fill the holes.

It's funny how songs jog your memory. I'm on the tram that takes me close to home, and All of This by Blink 182 featuring vocals by Robert Smith comes on.

I remember:

When the album came out, my second boyfriend (and the long term one) played it all the time. He loved Blink and this was the only album of theirs I thought was truly spectacular. Added bonus Robert Smith. There was bonding.

This was on my shuffle in my car probably weeks or days before another ex and I got together. The tension between us was palpable and every word counted and he expressed his love for the song as well.

Another guy (relationship undefined) had invited me to a party, but by the time I'd finished work and gotten there it was winding down. He and all his friends were younger than me, but eventually the conversation turned to music as this song came on. His mate was an avid Cure fan but had failed to recognise Smith's voice and was shocked when I told him.

Currently: I'm sitting on a tram, texting another ex, speaking to an old childhood friend and offering support, after having spent the evening volunteering for a festival and making connections, getting drunk for free and Art Wanking with strangers. 

Sex and the Inappropriate Behaviour

Its that time of year again. Its cold, I'm sick, I've reached an epiphany regarding my dating life and I've started to rewatch all my box sets again. Normally I start strong with Buffy and Battlestar Galactica but this year I thought I'd start with Sex and the City (shut up, if you removed Carrie its a story about three different women who all have real problems and act like adults).

So I'm up to the episode where Carrie is dating the Politician- the one who has the golden shower fantasies. Carrie, then, throughout the entire episode makes fun of him (which we all do, however with more love and disbelief at this situation we've gotten ourselves into, again) and avoids drinking liquids in his presence for comedic effect. At the end of the episode she suggests some alternatives, he gets defensive and makes her feel inadequate about her article and they break up. Then she writes specifically about the issue in her article.

Anyone else hear alarm bells? How is it so hard, at that original conversation, to say that she's just not into golden showers and to discuss alternatives that they can compromise on? Why did she come to him with alternatives without discussing what he actually needed from the sensation first? I have had a similar, although less shower related, request made of me, and although we broke up before I ever became fully comfortable with it, I still asked a lot of questions and tried to figure out what I was comfortable. In true SATC style I'm going to end this in a question. Shouldn't the bedroom be a safe place for open discussion and sexy times?