I'm not the killing type.
I've had a good experience with Polyamory and I've had a bad experience with Polyamory.
I've learnt the same lesson from each experience. The 'open' in Open Relationship means being open emotionally. Omitting details, quashing your feelings and failing to recognise feelings in others have no part in it. It's about consideration and love and OPENESS.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
This is Just A Tribute
Tonight I was listening to a music podcast who asked and then gave examples of ways to bond with your social media audience through music. One of the questions asked was 'Do you remember your first?' which for them meant their first album but because I'm fairly sex oriented I thought of my virginity. So I put the question out on Twitter and had a lovely and hilarious conversation with friends. I don't remember if there was music playing the first time I had sex, but I do remember a couple of sessions later, we had finished and were lying together in bed, listening to the radio, and we both heard for the first time Tenacious D's Tribute.
My ex sent me a text a while ago to tell me 'our' song was played on the news. I knew exactly which one he meant, even though we'd never explicitly said what songs made us think of the other. Probably didn't hurt that I would hum it whenever I was with him (it was stuck in my head for a fortnight), but I was touched regardless.
So the two above stories combined and got me thinking about the songs I associate with my past loves.
The First: Without You I'm Nothing - Placebo (from Black Market Music). What can I say? We were teenagers, it was our first big relationship, we were drunk on hormones and the drama they brought. In saying that though it is an incredibly beautiful and sad song. When they released the Molko/Bowie version on Once More With Feeling I could have died. Tick. Tock.
The Long Haul: The entire Crow Soundtrack (my taste, shut up I was also still a teenager) and the entire self titled Blink 182 effort (his taste, although the Robert Smith collaboration at the end is magnificent, and the song before it with the same melody only sped up is also clever okay shut up I quite loved the album at the time). Clearly we were different people with different views and different ideals and we stayed that way until we broke up. Which is strange because we did love each other at one stage. He's the reason why I don't think common interests is really that big a deal. Provided you agree on the basics, like money and family. *cough* turns out we really didn't agree *cough*
The Sociopath: We didn't actually have a song. I should have seen that as a warning sign. There is something wrong with a man if he can't make me happy enough to sing. So I've just learnt something new. However, after the pain, he did make me very angry, so Nightwish's Bye Bye Beautiful became how I thought of him. Ironically, Nightwish is one of the reason's we became friends in the first place. When they debuted the first song off Imagenarium on the radio we rocked out in his car, and we were so caught up with each other that first week we were together we failed to realise that Imagenarium had been released in full.
The Stoner: This is embarrassing- I can't think of the title of the song or the name of the band- but it was an acoustic guitar and a scratchy rough voice and somehow it was very punk and whenever I think of the tune I can immediately smell cheap wine and weed and tobacco. He was lovely and I feel very bad for using him the way I did.
The Adulterer: It may have been short lived (like, incredibly) but we bonded over Michael Jackson and Prince, and he would send me lyrics from Jackson's The Way You Make Me Feel.
The (Redacted): Do You Hear the People Sing? In my defence it was a very fun and silly time. We'd decided to meet again and he'd invited me to a DVD viewing of the worlds worst play. I realised I was going into a room entirely filled with strangers and had a mild panic attack in the car, drank a lot of alcohol very quickly and started insulting his friends once the show was over. Because they were all theatre geeks at some stage the night devolved into watching a million different videos of Les Mis and I poured water into his mouth as he'd fallen asleep beside me. So now I think of Angry Men whenever I see him.
My ex sent me a text a while ago to tell me 'our' song was played on the news. I knew exactly which one he meant, even though we'd never explicitly said what songs made us think of the other. Probably didn't hurt that I would hum it whenever I was with him (it was stuck in my head for a fortnight), but I was touched regardless.
So the two above stories combined and got me thinking about the songs I associate with my past loves.
The First: Without You I'm Nothing - Placebo (from Black Market Music). What can I say? We were teenagers, it was our first big relationship, we were drunk on hormones and the drama they brought. In saying that though it is an incredibly beautiful and sad song. When they released the Molko/Bowie version on Once More With Feeling I could have died. Tick. Tock.
The Long Haul: The entire Crow Soundtrack (my taste, shut up I was also still a teenager) and the entire self titled Blink 182 effort (his taste, although the Robert Smith collaboration at the end is magnificent, and the song before it with the same melody only sped up is also clever okay shut up I quite loved the album at the time). Clearly we were different people with different views and different ideals and we stayed that way until we broke up. Which is strange because we did love each other at one stage. He's the reason why I don't think common interests is really that big a deal. Provided you agree on the basics, like money and family. *cough* turns out we really didn't agree *cough*
The Sociopath: We didn't actually have a song. I should have seen that as a warning sign. There is something wrong with a man if he can't make me happy enough to sing. So I've just learnt something new. However, after the pain, he did make me very angry, so Nightwish's Bye Bye Beautiful became how I thought of him. Ironically, Nightwish is one of the reason's we became friends in the first place. When they debuted the first song off Imagenarium on the radio we rocked out in his car, and we were so caught up with each other that first week we were together we failed to realise that Imagenarium had been released in full.
The Stoner: This is embarrassing- I can't think of the title of the song or the name of the band- but it was an acoustic guitar and a scratchy rough voice and somehow it was very punk and whenever I think of the tune I can immediately smell cheap wine and weed and tobacco. He was lovely and I feel very bad for using him the way I did.
The Adulterer: It may have been short lived (like, incredibly) but we bonded over Michael Jackson and Prince, and he would send me lyrics from Jackson's The Way You Make Me Feel.
The (Redacted): Do You Hear the People Sing? In my defence it was a very fun and silly time. We'd decided to meet again and he'd invited me to a DVD viewing of the worlds worst play. I realised I was going into a room entirely filled with strangers and had a mild panic attack in the car, drank a lot of alcohol very quickly and started insulting his friends once the show was over. Because they were all theatre geeks at some stage the night devolved into watching a million different videos of Les Mis and I poured water into his mouth as he'd fallen asleep beside me. So now I think of Angry Men whenever I see him.
The (Also Redacted): I Wonder by Rodriguez, for obvious and not so obvious reasons. He sung the song to me one morning and it stuck in my head. Then I downloaded it and listened to it about a million times. He'd told me about how Rodriguez was a cult icon back home and about the movie Search for Sugarman. I'd joked about the first people to like my FB statuses were either past or present lovers, and he in a rare moment of vulnerability said that's why he consciously didn't look at those likes, because it was something he didn't want to deal with. Then he asked how many men I was seeing at the time. I told him and he kissed my waist and our previous lighter conversation continued. And I realised that I was one of the many women that Rodriguez sung about, and that maybe someone thought of me when they heard a song. A touch narcissistic I know, but for all my bravado I don't let myself think that kind of thing often.
Losing You- Solange
I hate it when a film clip doesn't match the mood of the song. Solange's (Beyonce' much cooler younger sister) Losing You is a fantastic example (you'll have to look it up yourself as I fail at ctrl c/ctrl v and embedding).
I love this song. I've listened to it A LOT. I listened to this on a solo rotation for the last half of February and the first half of March. Then I watched the film clip. Its filled with hipster faff. Yes, her outfits are cute but they are exactly too on trend for the moment. Cycling and driving around the streets is too reminiscent of every other hipster clip out there. Together it vaguely evokes Ryan Lewis and Macklemore's Thrift Shop film clip. The only part of the clip I found that matched the song was how she's in the community, the car, the street, the container, but she doesn't interact. She's off to the side and moves out of the way. THAT matches the lyrics.
What I would have done differently: Well. Everything. Matte black room, her in the centre, yellow cocktail dress with 70's wings. Hair in a low bun. I'd keep the red lipstick. Two lights just behind creating a subtle silhouette, but enough light on her that you can still clearly see her. Then she dances a lonely choreography that changes at the chorus before she goes onto repeat it for the repeated verses. *This* is lonely, and simple. Which is what the song is about. She's still with the man but has realised he's not there any more, but hasn't cut the ties, and she's realised she has too and clearly I empathise with the song too much I'll shut up now.
I love this song. I've listened to it A LOT. I listened to this on a solo rotation for the last half of February and the first half of March. Then I watched the film clip. Its filled with hipster faff. Yes, her outfits are cute but they are exactly too on trend for the moment. Cycling and driving around the streets is too reminiscent of every other hipster clip out there. Together it vaguely evokes Ryan Lewis and Macklemore's Thrift Shop film clip. The only part of the clip I found that matched the song was how she's in the community, the car, the street, the container, but she doesn't interact. She's off to the side and moves out of the way. THAT matches the lyrics.
What I would have done differently: Well. Everything. Matte black room, her in the centre, yellow cocktail dress with 70's wings. Hair in a low bun. I'd keep the red lipstick. Two lights just behind creating a subtle silhouette, but enough light on her that you can still clearly see her. Then she dances a lonely choreography that changes at the chorus before she goes onto repeat it for the repeated verses. *This* is lonely, and simple. Which is what the song is about. She's still with the man but has realised he's not there any more, but hasn't cut the ties, and she's realised she has too and clearly I empathise with the song too much I'll shut up now.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The In Between is Mine.
I Am Mine.
I've learnt a lot about myself this year. I probably should have by now, we're nearly half way through. I've learnt that flirting isn't that hard. I've learnt that if I want sex I can just ask. Something really beautiful happened with my body confidence last year that only increased this year. I no longer care what the guy I'm with thinks my body looks like. I watch their faces and they don't care outside of there being a naked woman bouncing on their balls. In fact I no longer care. I don't just ask for what I want, I tell them.
I've learnt that I am not a polyamorist. I've learnt that I have limits that I can't surpass and some that I don't want to. But I've also learnt that if I want to trust I can ask for what I need to do that. I've gotten confidence in other areas- I know I'm not crazy and I know my thoughts, feelings and reactions are valid. I've learnt that I can talk to the men in my life. I've learnt that I'm not the common denominator to a string of bad choices. That each of these men are going through their own things and I've been something different to each of them.
I know I want to be in love. That has never changed. I haven't been in love for years now and I'm certain that when I feel it again it will be different just like the first two times. I know I can talk to strangers. I know if I want something I can work for it. I regained my work ethic almost overnight. I've learnt that I know how to network. That I can make connections. That I can do things I've never done before and with work can be good at it.
I've learnt that people love me. That I can rely on some like I've never done so before. I've learnt that I can be me and still be wanted. I've learnt that I'm an eye opener to some and that other's like me for who I am. I've learnt that asking the hard questions is me. I've learnt that I need to feel appreciated.
And I do.
I've learnt a lot about myself this year. I probably should have by now, we're nearly half way through. I've learnt that flirting isn't that hard. I've learnt that if I want sex I can just ask. Something really beautiful happened with my body confidence last year that only increased this year. I no longer care what the guy I'm with thinks my body looks like. I watch their faces and they don't care outside of there being a naked woman bouncing on their balls. In fact I no longer care. I don't just ask for what I want, I tell them.
I've learnt that I am not a polyamorist. I've learnt that I have limits that I can't surpass and some that I don't want to. But I've also learnt that if I want to trust I can ask for what I need to do that. I've gotten confidence in other areas- I know I'm not crazy and I know my thoughts, feelings and reactions are valid. I've learnt that I can talk to the men in my life. I've learnt that I'm not the common denominator to a string of bad choices. That each of these men are going through their own things and I've been something different to each of them.
I know I want to be in love. That has never changed. I haven't been in love for years now and I'm certain that when I feel it again it will be different just like the first two times. I know I can talk to strangers. I know if I want something I can work for it. I regained my work ethic almost overnight. I've learnt that I know how to network. That I can make connections. That I can do things I've never done before and with work can be good at it.
I've learnt that people love me. That I can rely on some like I've never done so before. I've learnt that I can be me and still be wanted. I've learnt that I'm an eye opener to some and that other's like me for who I am. I've learnt that asking the hard questions is me. I've learnt that I need to feel appreciated.
And I do.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Hey!
Been dyin' to meet you!
I've got the time tattooed on my wrist. It's permanently five minutes to four in my world. I got it to represent my family- my mother and sister- *before* they pass. I'm not ashamed of why I got it. The story behind it is dark and not something a lot of people have had to deal with or want to know- which is something I've learnt. What happened has stopped being a right of passage in my broken little world and started being something that I no longer have to tell people so that they can understand what makes me *me*. I'm a special snow flake like everyone else.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I Was Alone
Falling free, trying my best not to forget.
What happened to us, what happened to me, and our one heroic pledge.
I have depression. It's new, as in just this last year. It's horrible. I've seen a doctor and been prescribed anti depressants. I continue to exercise on a daily basis. I eat well and avoid any kind of binge eating/drinking. I can't sleep.
I faked being happy and sociable all day at work. It left me mentally exhausted and I didn't want to talk to my friends or family at the end of the day. I felt like I couldn't talk to my friends or family about it, and I'd lost that dependence I've always had for myself, that ability to always back myself. I felt like I have no one and its the loneliest place to be.
I don't have a reason for it either. I know why it began. The seeds were planted and for some reason instead of figuring it out and dealing with my feelings I just let it fester and grow. Then life got in the way and things happened, as they are wont to do, and I found I was suddenly unable to deal with my life. Me. ME. I couldn't understand why, after some pretty horrendous experiences, why I could not deal with or work through some really basic problems. I was even able to counsel friends in similar positions but was unable to let go of my own problems.
So I was miserable. I moped. I stayed at home. I stopped playing music. I stopped reading. I stopped studying. I felt like a failure and just stayed in bed. I didn't move. I felt like I couldn't, that my sadness was overwhelming me and I couldn't even lift the blanket that I was under. I prayed for sleep just so I didn't have to feel and when I woke I would stay in bed until my body fell into a deep nothingness for an hour. I'd do that several times until I simply wasn't going to sleep anymore. So I ran. Till I was exhausted. And repeated the process. I hated being awake but I couldn't distract myself for my thoughts. I still can't. But I will, I'm working on it.
I now understand how insurmountable depression is. That it's constant, it's always on and the negativity comes in waves. I think I'm fine and get through most of the day, then all of a sudden a panic attack creeps up on me and I'm miserable for the rest of the day.
I'm better now. I know it's not going to end, but I really wish it would.
I'm better now. I know it's not going to end, but I really wish it would.
She speaks, she breathes.
I wanna be Kate!
I've moved. Quit my job and moved interstate. I live on the couch of a friend who is (and I am ever thankful for) trading house work for my room and board. I am applying for jobs left right and centre. Dream jobs. Less than dream jobs. Jobs I wouldn't really be happy to take but will enthusiastically just for an INCOME. I had such plans for my unemployment. I'd wake. I'd run. I'd have a nutritious breakfast. I would split my day into Selection Criteria in the mornings and basic applications in the afternoons. Instead I've been hit with a heat wave and lowered self esteem at the sheer amount of things I do not have experience in.
My friend put me in touch with her Industry friend (Industry is used here in place of Dream Job) who pointed me in the right direction and like a Red Setter I was OFF and applying! BANG! ... Except that I stuffed up my log in for one of the sites and now I can't view all that tantalising 'New Jobs' and 'Volunteer Opportunities' information. However she did give me some other tips and tricks which I shall deploy tomorrow, so that'll be exciting.
I miss my family and friends (old and new) but I've already joined and DnD campaign (and thankfully picked it back up quicker than I thought I would). We played through three encounters including the introduction of my character - an Orc Cleric called Felicia who previously bullied the Dwarf Cleric Zeus whilst in training. They're more encounter based than role play based (in that its not structured, however our jibes are counted as role play, so AWESOME). Our female Dark Elf Sorceress is a bloke called Vince- who it turns out LIFTS BRO so we talked weights and diets and he even knows about slow and fast twitch muscles so woo! I now have new inspiration for dieting and working out. Even though I can't afford a gym yet.
I've met another bloke who introduced me to a bunch of his friends (who were EVEN COOLER than he was, much to the original guys chagrin) and we caught a gig. Here I am talking about shit and being silly/offensive, dropping the c-bomb and THEN I find out that one of them is a Federal cop. LOL.
I've then gotten lost at least three times and have had a trial by fire on the public transport system. So at least my life is still exciting. Its not the immediate success I was optimistically hoping it would be, but it's not bad.
I've moved. Quit my job and moved interstate. I live on the couch of a friend who is (and I am ever thankful for) trading house work for my room and board. I am applying for jobs left right and centre. Dream jobs. Less than dream jobs. Jobs I wouldn't really be happy to take but will enthusiastically just for an INCOME. I had such plans for my unemployment. I'd wake. I'd run. I'd have a nutritious breakfast. I would split my day into Selection Criteria in the mornings and basic applications in the afternoons. Instead I've been hit with a heat wave and lowered self esteem at the sheer amount of things I do not have experience in.
My friend put me in touch with her Industry friend (Industry is used here in place of Dream Job) who pointed me in the right direction and like a Red Setter I was OFF and applying! BANG! ... Except that I stuffed up my log in for one of the sites and now I can't view all that tantalising 'New Jobs' and 'Volunteer Opportunities' information. However she did give me some other tips and tricks which I shall deploy tomorrow, so that'll be exciting.
I miss my family and friends (old and new) but I've already joined and DnD campaign (and thankfully picked it back up quicker than I thought I would). We played through three encounters including the introduction of my character - an Orc Cleric called Felicia who previously bullied the Dwarf Cleric Zeus whilst in training. They're more encounter based than role play based (in that its not structured, however our jibes are counted as role play, so AWESOME). Our female Dark Elf Sorceress is a bloke called Vince- who it turns out LIFTS BRO so we talked weights and diets and he even knows about slow and fast twitch muscles so woo! I now have new inspiration for dieting and working out. Even though I can't afford a gym yet.
I've met another bloke who introduced me to a bunch of his friends (who were EVEN COOLER than he was, much to the original guys chagrin) and we caught a gig. Here I am talking about shit and being silly/offensive, dropping the c-bomb and THEN I find out that one of them is a Federal cop. LOL.
I've then gotten lost at least three times and have had a trial by fire on the public transport system. So at least my life is still exciting. Its not the immediate success I was optimistically hoping it would be, but it's not bad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)