We do what we want. Yeah we do what we want.
*spoiler alert* I *might* be a little bit poly. I know. I know. (First Name) Never Back Down from a Challenge (Surname) they call me. I would also like to point out that the below men were only pursued in friendship, and I expect nothing more and want nothing less.
At the moment I'm playing with my feelings the boundaries they create, and I've found myself in a not so unique position. For the sake of context I shall distinguish the two men as 1 and 2.
I met 1 through a friend of a friend who introduced me to more friends. I clearly outlined in the beginning that our relationship would be platonic only. He agreed and we began. He was lovely and gentle and in the throes of physical intimacy we became emotionally intimate. We have always been very open with each other and in the spirit of that he declared his feelings for me. Which is a shame, as I am a very VERY open person and had clearly demonstrated my fascination with my physical attraction to him as he was clearly not my type *headdesk*. That night and the proceeding few after that were terribly awkward.
Then something amazing happened. Just as I was considering shutting it down, he had the epiphany I was praying for when with an ex of mine: his jealousy and the sadness it caused was associated not with the girl he couldn't have, but with the lack of social life and opportunity he felt he had. Then he did something about it. He became social. He put himself out there. He talked to me about his feelings and experiences and then... He became my first best friend up here.
And I think I love him. It's not romantic. Not in the least. It's the same love I have for my dearest friends back home. I feel safe with him. I can trust him. We chat during the week about things we hear and see and do and I look forward to our time together because I have so many things I want to tell him and get his perspective on, or ask him about his experiences that he told me about. It's weird because I've never made a friend with my vagina before, but it's also terribly lovely. Especially considering he can keep pace with me when I run (unless I sprint, which I can do for a kilometre). He makes me feel happy and safe and cared for.
I met 2 through a friend of friend who introduc... Waiiiit. I picked him up (in one of my smoother moments), took him home and fucked him. Then we chatted and in the interest of pursuing an orgasm (something I rarely do on the first night, which is why I don't enjoy one night stands) I secured another meeting with the boy. By a couple of weeks in (because Openness and Consent) I had to declare *my* feelings.
With a twist. I'm sick of serial monogamy. Every relationship I've been in has had an underlying 'is this it?' feeling underneath. I'm not done. I want to have new experiences, and there is every possibility I may not want to stop having those experiences. My idea of long term monogamy has always included sexual experimentation. So, with his consent, I told him I was interested in continuing our existing friendship so that I could play with my feelings and experiment with my boundaries.
Which has been interesting. Especially of late. We talk about our experiences of the week and we share (or I share, and then I'll pick his brain. Seriously, he's done some interesting things. He's just very Don't Kiss and Tell, whereas I'm very Eh, Its a Common Experience), but he'll say something about being sweet on another girl... And I realise he's not sweet on me. Or I'll feel jealousy that he's sleeping with other girls. Or get paranoid that the things he does with me he does with other women. Which is ridiculous. I don't own his body, why get upset when he does something with it? I have a set of moves that I perform that are natural to me, it makes sense he would as well. The hypocrisy to the feelings I'm feeling is... Ludicrous. I don't own him and he doesn't own me, never mind the fact that 1 and I are still seeing each other. Never mind that I am still actively pursuing other relationships.
When I realised I was having the Bad Feels I immediately resolved to cut it off. Then I realised what I was doing. How do I get to Learn and Grow as a person if I baulk at the first Bad Feeling?
