I Was Alone

Falling free, trying my best not to forget.

What happened to us, what happened to me, and our one heroic pledge.

I have depression. It's new, as in just this last year. It's horrible. I've seen a doctor and been prescribed anti depressants. I continue to exercise on a daily basis. I eat well and avoid any kind of binge eating/drinking. I can't sleep.

I faked being happy and sociable all day at work. It left me mentally exhausted and I didn't want to talk to my friends or family at the end of the day. I felt like I couldn't talk to my friends or family about it, and I'd lost that dependence I've always had for myself, that ability to always back myself. I felt like I have no one and its the loneliest place to be.

I don't have a reason for it either. I know why it began. The seeds were planted and for some reason instead of figuring it out and dealing with my feelings I just let it fester and grow. Then life got in the way and things happened, as they are wont to do, and I found I was suddenly unable to deal with my life. Me. ME. I couldn't understand why, after some pretty horrendous experiences, why I could not deal with or work through some really basic problems. I was even able to counsel friends in similar positions but was unable to let go of my own problems.

So I was miserable. I moped. I stayed at home. I stopped playing music. I stopped reading. I stopped studying. I felt like a failure and just stayed in bed. I didn't move. I felt like I couldn't, that my sadness was overwhelming me and I couldn't even lift the blanket that I was under. I prayed for sleep just so I didn't have to feel and when I woke I would stay in bed until my body fell into a deep nothingness for an hour. I'd do that several times until I simply wasn't going to sleep anymore. So I ran. Till I was exhausted. And repeated the process. I hated being awake but I couldn't distract myself for my thoughts. I still can't. But I will, I'm working on it.

I now understand how insurmountable depression is. That it's constant, it's always on and the negativity comes in waves. I think I'm fine and get through most of the day, then all of a sudden a panic attack creeps up on me and I'm miserable for the rest of the day.

I'm better now. I know it's not going to end, but I really wish it would.

She speaks, she breathes.

I wanna be Kate!

I've moved. Quit my job and moved interstate. I live on the couch of a friend who is (and I am ever thankful for) trading house work for my room and board. I am applying for jobs left right and centre. Dream jobs. Less than dream jobs. Jobs I wouldn't really be happy to take but will enthusiastically just for an INCOME. I had such plans for my unemployment. I'd wake. I'd run. I'd have a nutritious breakfast. I would split my day into Selection Criteria in the mornings and basic applications in the afternoons. Instead I've been hit with a heat wave and lowered self esteem at the sheer amount of things I do not have experience in.

My friend put me in touch with her Industry friend (Industry is used here in place of Dream Job) who pointed me in the right direction and like a Red Setter I was OFF and applying! BANG! ... Except that I stuffed up my log in for one of the sites and now I can't view all that tantalising 'New Jobs' and 'Volunteer Opportunities' information. However she did give me some other tips and tricks which I shall deploy tomorrow, so that'll be exciting.

I miss my family and friends (old and new) but I've already joined and DnD campaign (and thankfully picked it back up quicker than I thought I would). We played through three encounters including the introduction of my character - an Orc Cleric called Felicia who previously bullied the Dwarf Cleric Zeus whilst in training. They're more encounter based than role play based (in that its not structured, however our jibes are counted as role play, so AWESOME). Our female Dark Elf Sorceress is a bloke called Vince- who it turns out LIFTS BRO so we talked weights and diets and he even knows about slow and fast twitch muscles so woo!  I now have new inspiration for dieting and working out. Even though I can't afford a gym yet.

I've met another bloke who introduced me to a bunch of his friends (who were EVEN COOLER than he was, much to the original guys chagrin) and we caught a gig. Here I am talking about shit and being silly/offensive, dropping the c-bomb and THEN I find out that one of them is a Federal cop. LOL.

I've then gotten lost at least three times and have had a trial by fire on the public transport system. So at least my life is still exciting. Its not the immediate success I was optimistically hoping it would be, but it's not bad.