I Was Alone

Falling free, trying my best not to forget.

What happened to us, what happened to me, and our one heroic pledge.

I have depression. It's new, as in just this last year. It's horrible. I've seen a doctor and been prescribed anti depressants. I continue to exercise on a daily basis. I eat well and avoid any kind of binge eating/drinking. I can't sleep.

I faked being happy and sociable all day at work. It left me mentally exhausted and I didn't want to talk to my friends or family at the end of the day. I felt like I couldn't talk to my friends or family about it, and I'd lost that dependence I've always had for myself, that ability to always back myself. I felt like I have no one and its the loneliest place to be.

I don't have a reason for it either. I know why it began. The seeds were planted and for some reason instead of figuring it out and dealing with my feelings I just let it fester and grow. Then life got in the way and things happened, as they are wont to do, and I found I was suddenly unable to deal with my life. Me. ME. I couldn't understand why, after some pretty horrendous experiences, why I could not deal with or work through some really basic problems. I was even able to counsel friends in similar positions but was unable to let go of my own problems.

So I was miserable. I moped. I stayed at home. I stopped playing music. I stopped reading. I stopped studying. I felt like a failure and just stayed in bed. I didn't move. I felt like I couldn't, that my sadness was overwhelming me and I couldn't even lift the blanket that I was under. I prayed for sleep just so I didn't have to feel and when I woke I would stay in bed until my body fell into a deep nothingness for an hour. I'd do that several times until I simply wasn't going to sleep anymore. So I ran. Till I was exhausted. And repeated the process. I hated being awake but I couldn't distract myself for my thoughts. I still can't. But I will, I'm working on it.

I now understand how insurmountable depression is. That it's constant, it's always on and the negativity comes in waves. I think I'm fine and get through most of the day, then all of a sudden a panic attack creeps up on me and I'm miserable for the rest of the day.

I'm better now. I know it's not going to end, but I really wish it would.